Driven to distraction

America’s highways and byways

The following clarifications to the rules and regulations that govern road travel in the United States come into force with immediate effect:

1. Anyone caught using their cell phone whilst driving will be assigned a cast member from the sitcom 2 Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps who will permanently accompany the offender, repeating lines of dialogue from the show.  This will continue until the offender either (a) has a nervous breakdown, (b) drives his or her car at full speed into a wall, or (c) starts to laugh.  In the latter instance the offender will be immediately admitted to a mental asylum.
2. Consistent failure to use indicators when exiting a road will result in the seizure of the offender’s vehicle.  The vehicle will be adapted to include a high voltage electric element in the driver’s seat that is connected to the indicator stick and the steering wheel.  Any 90 degree rotation of the steering wheel that takes place without the accompaniment of the applicable indicator will result in an electric shock.  Not, as one might expect, to the driver, but to a small fluffy kitten.  The images and audio from this will be streamed through the vehicle’s sat nav interface.  The electric element will remain in the driver’s seat.  As a reminder.
3. Any driver who fails to exit the fast lane of a freeway when there is ample space in the other lanes, thereby causing other vehicles to either slow down or undertake, will be barred from participation in all public holidays and private celebrations.  This includes but is not limited to: birthdays, Christmas, thanksgiving, New Year’s Eve, christenings of offspring, and Valentine’s Day.  During these periods the offender will be placed, with other offenders, in a gym that is equipped exclusively with a large loop of running machines.  The offenders will be required to move sideways from one running machine to the next, in a continuous loop.  The pace of the running machines can be, and will be, altered.  The offenders will partake in this activity until they can prove they understand the concept of relative speeds, and by extension the importance of lane control.  Upon successful completion of this course all festivity rights will be restored.  With the exception of Valentine’s Day.  Nobody could love someone that obnoxious.
4. Any motorcyclist who rides without wearing a helmet will be the instant recipient of a Darwin Award and be publically feted for their selfless and considerate contribution to the national organ donor programme.

That is all.  You drive safe now.

< No animals, especially cute little kittens, were harmed in the writing of this post.>